Tracisz relacje, bo jesteś egoistą
Wszyscy nimi jesteśmy. I nie rób teraz miny świętoszka, tylko spokojnie przeczytaj.
Rozmowa telefoniczna o utrzymywaniu relacji i gdzieś wiszące pytanie: dlaczego jedne relacje są w stanie przetrwać odległość, a inne giną w czeluści kontaktów, do których pisze się tylko na Święta? Odpowiedź jest jedna. Wszyscy jesteśmy egoistami. Szukamy tego, czego nam potrzeba, szukamy tego, co ułatwi nam życie. Szukamy w końcu człowieka, który nam „pomoże”. W wielu sprawach.
Po co są nam relacje?
Szukamy korzyści z relacji. Każda relacja wnosi określoną wartość do naszego życia i sedno utrzymania relacji polega na tym, co możesz dać jako znajomy, przyjaciel, kolega z pracy – rada, wsparcie, konkretna pomoc lub rozrywka.
Okres życia, w jakim się znajdujemy
Relacja z drugą osobą w pewien sposób nas stanowi, określa, buduje. Prościej: każdy potrzebuje minerałów i witamin. Każdy jednak potrzebuje innej ilości minerałów i witamin w danym okresie swojego życia. Dziecko, młody podlotek, kobieta w ciąży, mężczyzna po czterdziestce – inne potrzeby, różna ilość witamin i minerałów.
Relacja z drugą osobą
w pewien sposób nas stanowi, określa, buduje.
Każdy z nas jest taką witaminą i minerałem dla innych. Raz ktoś potrzebuje mnie więcej, innym razem mniej.
Przykład ze wspomnianej rozmowy telefonicznej. Dziewczyna przed ślubem lepiej porozumie się z inną dziewczyną przed ślubem – ich relacja w danym okresie będzie przeżywała rozkwit, z kolei: dziewczyna przed ślubem i dziewczyna z noworodkiem przy piersi – ich relacja osłabnie. Ta pierwsza będzie zatroskana suknią ślubną, druga kolkującym malcem. Rozbieżność ich dążeń spowoduje ochłodzenie relacji, co wcale nie oznacza jej zaniku. Kiedy dziewczyna przed ślubem będzie już po ślubie i to z noworodkiem przy piersi relacja z dziewczyną-mamą już kilkulatka odżyje – ze względu na wspólne tematy, troski, pole doświadczeń.
Fundament relacji
Idąc dalej. W rozmowie z Salv. kilka lat temu, doszłyśmy do wniosku, że ważny dla utrzymania relacji jest jej fundament – czyli na czym Twoja relacja z inną osoba się opiera. Salv. podała wówczas przykład koleżanki, z którą zawsze będzie miała o czym porozmawiać – łączyła je w ich przyjaźni miłość do teatru. Teatr – niewyczerpany temat, który mogły bez przeszkód podjąć po kilku miesiącach ciszy. Roboczo nazwijmy to relacją mądrościową. Innym typem jest relacja oparta na emocjach, przeżyciach dwóch osób. Pogłębianie relacji polega na zwierzaniu się z sekretów, przemyśleń, ciągłych kontaktach wszelkiej maści. Roboczo: relacja uczuciowa. Dwie różne relacje, które trzeba karmić zupełnie inną dawka witamin.
Nieznajomość potrzeb
Wszyscy musimy zaakceptować, że każdy ma określone potrzeby, które dla jego spokoju muszą być zaspokajane przynajmniej w minimalnym stopniu. Zwróć uwagę: co dajesz w relacji, a co bierzesz. Przykład: oczekujesz ciągłych opowieści „co u ciebie”, podczas, gdy ty nie mówisz nic. Może warto zastanowić się, czy tego nie oczekuje druga strona. Może wcale nie wiesz, czego ona potrzebuje.
Mówimy inaczej
Nasze potrzeby warunkują sposób naszej komunikacji. Dla Kaśki ważne jest wspólne spędzanie czasu, dla Anki pomoc w domowych obowiązkach, dla Konrada drobny prezent. Jolka oczekuje przytulenia, a Krystian kilku słów pochwały. Mamy różne potrzeby, ale do tego mamy różne sposoby na wyrażanie naszego przywiązania do drugiej osoby*.
Ręka na telefonie
Może właśnie przypomniałeś sobie o kimś, z kim miałeś dobrą relację. Milczenie to tylko zasłona. Stosunkowo łatwo ją zerwać. Spróbuj.
* Sposoby wyrażania uczuć – o tym niedługo. Tekst w tonie zabawnym.
Agnieszka | casalinga.pl
Posted at 13:47h, 07 majaJa na ten przykład mam ogólny problem z utrzymywaniem relacji. Jako introwertyczka lubię wycofanie i samotność. Nie mam w zwyczaju dzwonić do kogoś regularnie, pisać, itd. Robię to kiedy mi się przypomni. Mam też takie relacje, które nie wymagają podlewania. Kiedy się spotykamy po prostu kontynuujemy wątki 😉 Bardzo je lubię te relacje 😉 Jedynym wyjątkiem jest mój mąż – jesteśmy w NIEUSTANNYM kontakcie.
Mamy się
Posted at 15:51h, 07 majaMąż – nieustanny kontakt. Podstawa udanego małżeństwa:)
Ważny problem poruszasz, Agnieszka. Przetrwają te relacje, w których Twoi znajomi akceptują to, że lubisz „samotność”. Pewnie to te relacje od „kontynuowania wątków”?:)
ayla
Posted at 16:09h, 07 majanie zgodzę się z tym egoizmem; pamiętajmy, że potrzeba drugiej osoby do kontaktu; gdy osoba XY stale jako pierwsza zaczyna wątek rozmowy, a nigdy osoba AB, w pewnym momencie XY uzna, że nie warto ciągle inicjować kontakt, bo wśród swoich znajomych ma takie osoby, które są przyjaciółmi, czyli tymi, którym może się wyżalić lub świętować swój sukces, ale też wie, że to osoby ufają jej/jemu na tyle, by powierzyć swoje sekrety; więc czasami nie chodzi o egoizm, ale o tę drugą stronę i to jak ona nas traktuje
Mamy się
Posted at 16:18h, 07 majaPewnie, tylko tu już widać ten „egoizm” osoby AB – jej takie zamknięcie i szukanie spełnienia tylko swoich potrzeb, które w tym przypadku – jeśli chodzi o potrzebę kontaktu – są mniejsze. Nasze „egoizmy” są różnej wielkości i maści. Wyjściem poza swój egoizm, w mojej ocenie, jest często mimo wszystko – czekanie. Zerwanie relacji przez XY jest tutaj urażoną dumą, zranionym ego. Chyba dorosłam do tego, aby być bardziej wyrozumiałym dla innych ludzi, jeśli chodzi o utrzymywanie relacji.
Ayla, matematyczny komentarz 🙂
Matka Prowincjonalna
Posted at 17:23h, 07 majaa ja mam przyjaciółki, do ktorych nie ważne o której, wyciągam telefon i dzwonię, które szczerze mi powiedzą, nie zawracaj d*py i nie przesadzaj, jeśli panikuje bez potrzeby albo sa w stanie wsiąść do pociągu i po 6 godzinach być na miejscu i nawet jak nie dzwonimy do siebie przez kilka dni, tygodni czy nawet miesięcy, zawsze są bliskie memu sercu, ale to są przyjaźnie zbudowane na tysiącach przegadanych godzin i wzajemnej miłości 🙂
Mamy się
Posted at 14:41h, 09 majaTakie relacje są właśnie najsilniejsze. Chyba nawet zaryzykuję stwierdzeniem, że najdojrzalsze.
Vandrer Uggle
Posted at 13:51h, 12 majaAleż Ty mądre teksty piszesz. Mam takie same obserwacje dotyczące relacji:)
Mamy się
Posted at 21:29h, 12 majaCzytać to od Ciebie to zaszczyt 🙂
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Posted at 18:03h, 30 czerwcaPrzyjemnie Cie poczytac.
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