Dlaczego wycofujemy się z małżeństwa? - MamySie.pl
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Dlaczego wycofujemy się z małżeństwa?

W pewnym momencie niektórzy orientują się, że są samotni w małżeństwie, ich mąż lub żona emocjonalnie ich opuścili. Obwiniają za tą sytuację samą instytucję małżeństwa, siebie lub małżonka. Gdzie zatem leży prawda? 

Jeden problem w trzech odsłonach

Para nr 1. Ania i Arek kiedy się pobierali byli bardzo szczęśliwi. Pomagali sobie we wszystkim nawzajem i wspierali się. Śmiało mogliby wziąć udział w konkursie na najlepsze małżeństwo, jeśli takowy by istniał. Ania zaszła w ciążę. To jeszcze bardziej złączyło małżonków. Marzyli o tym momencie. Po narodzinach ich córki, wszystko zaczęło się zmieniać. Mimo, że Arek bardzo chciał uczestniczyć w życiu córki, nie mógł. Koniec końców, przestał o to zabiegać. Mało tego, przestał zabiegać o swoją żonę. Zastanawiasz się pewnie: dlaczego? Ania przejęła wszystkie obowiązki przy córce, nie dopuszczając do tego Arka. Miała przeświadczenie, że ona zrobi to lepiej. Z czasem ilość obowiązków przytłoczyła ją. Była zmęczona i czuła się osamotniona. Miała pretensje do męża, że nie angażuje się w pomoc przy dziecku. Oboje czuli się osamotnieni i z poczuciem niespełnienia w związku.

Para nr 2. Po kilku miesiącach po ślubie, Jacek zauważył, że jego żona jest przygnębiona i smutna. Wcześniej jego ukochana była wygadana, cały czas była zamyślona i nieobecna. Doszedł do wniosku, że pewnie jest zmęczona i musi odciążyć ją w jej obowiązkach. Zaczął więc przejmować jej obowiązki domowe. W tym czasie Kasia zamykała się w pokoju. Co działo się dalej? Sytuacja pogłębiała się: Kasia nie była radośniejsza, a Jacek czuł się sfrustrowany, bo przecież się starał, a nie widział żadnych efektów.

Para nr 3. Łukasz bardzo dbał o swoją żonę. Starał się jak tylko mógł, aby jego rodzinie niczego nie brakowało. W pewnym momencie przestał sobie radzić ze stresem w pracy i coraz częściej zaczął łagodzić napięcie, jakie odczuwał, alkoholem. Po kilku miesiącach nie mógł już sobie poradzić bez alkoholu. Jego żona, Magda, za każdym razem, kiedy zauważała debet na karcie spowodowany kolejną imprezą męża, spłacała go ze swojej pensji. Kiedy Łukasz wracał nietrzeźwy, bez słowa robiła mu kolację, pomagała w kąpieli i słuchała coraz częstszych pretensji o błahostki.

Pole odpowiedzialności w małżeństwie

Kiedy dwoje ludzi składa sobie przysięgę, zobowiązuje się do pomagania i wspierania drugiej osoby. Zobowiązuje się do wzięcia za nią odpowiedzialności, ale nie do przejęcia jej odpowiedzialności. Wróćmy do naszych par.

Kiedy zwolnisz małżonka z odpowiedzialności, twoje małżeństwo nie będzie szczęśliwe.

Zobacz, że kiedy Ania nie pozwoliła Arkowi na odpowiedzialność na polu bezpośredniej opieki nad dzieckiem, pozbawiła go chęci podjęcia wysiłku oraz uczestniczenia w tej opiece. Tymczasem, danie odpowiedzialności zmusza właśnie do tego. Popycha do inicjatywy i pomysłowości.

Małżonkowie mają sobie pomagać, ale nie powinni siebie wyręczać. Jacek wyręczając swoją żonę w jej obowiązkach nie zmobilizował jej, aby wzięła odpowiedzialność za swoje uczucia i emocje. Nadal trwała w stagnacji, bowiem nie miała czynnika mobilizującego ją do działania. Przejęcie pola odpowiedzialności współmałżonka doprowadza do zaprzepaszczenia szansy rozwoju w określonej kwestii. W przypadku Kasi było to przepracowanie problemu jej uczuć. Małżeństwo to miejsce nie tylko okazywania sobie miłości (co jest stałą częścią związku), ale także ma być motywatorem do ciągłego rozwoju każdej z osób (część zmienna związku). Uczucia to sfera odpowiedzialności małżonka, który je odczuwa.

Wzięcie odpowiedzialności za drugą osobę w małżeństwie nie oznacza przejęcia pola jej odpowiedzialności.

Podobny problem jest u Łukasza i jego żony. Tu jednak bardziej kosztowne, tym samym bardziej widoczne jest, że Magda swojemu mężowi nie dawała zmierzyć się z konsekwencjami jego działania. Przez to on sam nie potrafił określić swojego problemu i w nim trwał. Zostawienie debetu na karcie męża, pozostawienie go samym po jego powrocie z imprezy nie jest działaniem wbrew jedności małżeństwa. Nałogi to sfera odpowiedzialności małżonka, którego one dotyczą. Współmałżonek może go w tym wspierać i pomagać, jednak nie jest on wstanie rozwiązać problemu za bliską osobę.

Mamy być odpowiedzialni za siebie w małżeństwie, co oznacza wzajemne dbanie o siebie, wspieranie się i pomaganie sobie. Nie mamy być jednak odpowiedzialni zamiast siebie, czyli przejmować odpowiedzialność tak naprawdę dwóch osób na siebie. W małżeństwie musi istnieć równowaga, a jest ona możliwa po postawieniu granicy.

Granica nie oznacza muru

Przejmowanie pola odpowiedzialności małżonka jest jakby wejściem w jego „kompetencje”, przez co jego „przydział pracy” jest rozmyty i mało klarowny. Zobacz, że podpisując umowę o pracę masz jasno określone zadania. Przy ich wykonywaniu wykorzystujesz swoje umiejętności (kompetencje). Ta umowa wyznacza granice między zadaniami Twoimi, a zadaniami Twoich współpracowników. Takich granic trzeba nam w małżeństwach. To, że stajemy się „jednym ciałem” nie oznacza przejęcia siebie nawzajem jako własność. Za zaistniałe sytuacje w przedstawionych parach nie można jasno określić, kto jest winny. Jestem daleka od tego. Brak postawienia granic i pozostawienia każdemu z małżonków określonych obowiązków to widoczna przyczyna pogłębiania się kryzysu. Warto się jednak otrząsnąć i dzięki kryzysowi zobaczyć, gdzie te granice powinny przebiegać.

Co myślisz o stawianiu granic w małżeństwie? Daj znać w komentarzu.

Marlena Bessman-Paliwoda
marlena.bessman@gmail.com

Jeśli podoba Ci się tekst, podziel się nim ze znajomymi. Dla mnie to jak zapłata za moją pracę :) Dziękuję!

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230 komentarzy
  • Ewa Olborska
    Posted at 19:50h, 26 października

    Granice są ważne, chociaż to dość trudny temat. Czasem chciałoby się zrobić więcej, wejść w kompetencje drugiej osoby, momentami dzieje się to prawie automatycznie, ale warto nad tym zapanować. A z drugiej strony nie dać sobie odebrać pewnych odpowiedzialności. To działa w obie strony. Wiele rzeczy robimy razem i to jest fajne, ale nie zawsze wszystko się da i nie wszystko jest dobrze robić razem. 🙂

  • Magdalena Rolnik
    Posted at 20:50h, 26 października

    Granice są bardzo ważne. Warto je ustalać. Pomagają i w małżeństwie i w rodzicielstwie 🙂

  • Mari
    Posted at 21:34h, 26 października

    Zdecydowanie zgadzam się z porównaniem granic
    w małżeństwie do granic określonych w pracy. Mam na myśli to, że kiedy ja zaczynam wykonywać obowiązki współpracowników,
    zadania należące do mnie są w pewnym stopniu zaniedbywane. Przyczyną jest głównie brak czasu, niekiedy usprawiedliwiany zresztą robieniem nie swojej „działki” (z własnej woli dodajmy). Z kolei,gdy w pacy ktoś próbuje przejąć moje obowiązki, mam prawo czuć się nieefektywna,nie dająca sobie rady,słaba i niepotrzebna. W małżeństwie działa to podobnie. Dobrze jest ustalić granice nawet przy codziennych obowiązkach,nie mówiąc już o zachowaniu wśród znajomych czy rodziny. Jednak w tym wszystkim trzeba zachować zdrowy rozsądek,wyrozumiałość i czułość wobec Małżonka.

  • Young Wife
    Posted at 12:56h, 27 października

    Uważam, że małżeństwo to przede wszystkim partnerstwo. Nie da się jednak przejść życia, trzymając się tylko za ręce. Mamy swoje obowiązki i musimy sobie z nimi radzić we dwoje – jedna osoba, nie może spełniać wszystkich funkcji. Każdy powinien mieć też pole, w którym może się wykazać, a druga osoba powinna to doceniać.

  • Marlena | Mamy się
    Posted at 19:45h, 28 października

    Największym błędem jest myślenie, że kiedy ludzie się kochają, nie będą mieli żadnych problemów. Taka myśl to „lis podstępny” 🙂

  • Young Wife
    Posted at 22:56h, 28 października

    Zdecydowanie tak. A druga, to myśl, że po ślubie karty są już rozdane i nie trzeba się starać.

  • MartynaG.pl
    Posted at 12:45h, 31 października

    Niestety problem „wycofywania się z małżeństw” jest coraz bardziej popularny. Nie cieszy to, niepokoi. Co na to wpływa? Czy pośpiech związany z założeniem rodziny, czy nieumiejętność pójścia na kompromis – co według mnie jest bardzo ważne w partnerstwie czy też jakieś inne zaburzenia.

    Mogę powiedzieć tylko to co obserwuję: zauważa się, że dzieci wychowane w rodzinach rozbitych mają większą skłonność do rozstań/rozwodów. Być może wynika to z pewnej odwagi (mama poradziła sobie, więc ja też) – nie wiem. Ale wydaje mi się, że coraz częściej idziemy na łatwiznę po prostu poddając się zaraz gdy pojawią się problemy – nie potrafimy walczyć!

  • Marlena | Mamy się
    Posted at 11:03h, 01 listopada

    Twoje obserwacje pokrywają się z badaniami, statystyką.

    Po internecie krążyła kiedyś rozmowa pary z dużym stażem małżeńskim:
    – Jak Wam udało się przeżyć ze sobą tyle lat?
    – Nas uczono, że jak coś się psuje, to trzeba to naprawić, a nie wyrzucać i kupić nowe.

    My coraz częściej obserwujemy nowe zakupy.

  • Ela
    Posted at 22:50h, 03 listopada

    Świetny tekst! Dzięki

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