Rewolucja językowa w małżeństwie - MamySie.pl
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Rewolucja językowa w małżeństwie

W latach 70. XX wieku pewien mężczyzna co chwilę zaczepiany był przez pary małżeńskie, które nie radziły sobie w związku. Pewnego razu taką parą byli jego bliscy znajomi – wcześniej szaleńczo w sobie zakochani, w dniu ślubu przeszczęśliwi, a potem…no właśnie. Podeszli do niego ze smutnymi minami i powiedzieli tylko, że to chyba nie jest to.

– Jak to – nie jest „to”? – spytał.

– On już mnie nie kocha.  – powiedziała kobieta.

– To nieprawda. To ty mnie nie kochasz!  – odkrzyknął mężczyzna.

Po odbyciu wielu podobnych rozmów mężczyzna doszedł do jednego wniosku. Oni (ci wszyscy małżonkowie) kochają się. Problem w tym, że mówią do siebie w różny sposób. Tym mężczyzną jest Gary Chapman – psycholog i terapeuta, twórca koncepcji pięciu języków miłości, która doprowadza do rewolucji w małżeństwach. Zacznijmy jednak od początku.

ZBIORNIK MIŁOŚCI

W każdym człowieku jest zbiornik na miłość, który trzeba wypełnić. Tylko napełnienie zbiornika prowadzi do zachowania równowagi emocjonalnej i pozwala cieszyć się szczęściem. W pierwszej fazie po poznaniu się przyszłych małżonków mamy do czynienia z zakochaniem, które pozwala na wypełnienie tego zbiornika: fascynujemy się sobą, słuchamy wzajemnie, poznajemy się. Według badań okres zakochania trwa ok. dwa lata. Co dalej?

Dalej małżonkowie powinni zabiegać o miłość dojrzałą, tzn. potrzebny jest ich akt woli do tego, aby umiejętnie okazywać sobie miłość. Jest to – jak określa Chapman – miłość zamierzona, świadoma.

Problem w tym, że aby ten zbiornik napełnić trzeba umieć zaspokajać potrzebę miłości  partnera w taki sposób, w jaki on ją odczytuje. A jako że posługujemy się w małżeństwie najczęściej różnymi językami miłości –  wszelkie starania są nieczytelne dla partnera, który odbiera je swoim językiem miłości. Tym samym nie napełniamy sobie nawzajem swoich zbiorników miłości, a to prowadzi do naszych indywidualnych rozterek i myśli „on/ona mnie nie kocha”.

CZYM SĄ JĘZYKI MIŁOŚCI?

Język miłości jest to sposób, w jaki ty sam odbierasz miłość i w jaki ją okazujesz. Dr Gary Chapman wymienił pięć różnych języków miłości:

  1. Wyrażenia afirmatywne – pochwały, wyrazy uznania, budujące słowa – osoba, której językiem miłości są „wyrazy uznania” lubią, kiedy są chwalone, doceniane. Aby mogły odebrać Twój komunikat: „Kocham Cię” muszą to usłyszeć. Dla nich ważne są SŁOWA. Co robić, co mówić?
  • „Bardzo dobrze wyglądasz w tej marynarce”
  • „Dziękuję, że odebrałeś przesyłkę z poczty”
  •  „Odwaga to jedna z tych cech, które lubię w tobie najbardziej”
  • „Jesteś dobrym tatą/jesteś dobrą mamą”

WSKAZÓWKA: Komplementuj, określaj i nazywaj głośno pozytywne cechy partnera, dziękuj. Doceniaj w obecności innych i na osobności. Możesz też pisać liściki, listy miłosne – to SŁOWA są ważne, pamiętaj.

  1. Wspólne spędzanie czasu – potrzeba pełnej uwagi, całkowite skupienie na danej osobie. Osoby, których językiem miłości jest wspólne spędzanie czasu lubią wspólne wycieczki, spacery i rozmowy (jednak takie, które dają pełne skupienie na samej czynności rozmowy. Dla takich osób np. rozmawiająca kobieta i przygotowująca obiad to często przykład osoby, które „mnie nie słucha”. Osobie, która potrzebuje pełnej uwagi trzeba ofiarowywać swój CZAS i SKUPIENIE.

WSKAZÓWKA: Ustal ulubione miejsce do rozmowy swojej Ukochanej Osoby i spotykajcie się tam. Planujcie wspólne wyjazdy. Wspominajcie wspólne chwile oraz dzieciństwo.

  1. Prezenty – otrzymywanie prezentów. Tu jednak nie chodzi o to, że w tym wypadku staniesz się bankrutem, bo aby powiedzieć, ze kochasz, co chwile będziesz musiał kupić prezent. Nie! Prezent w tym znaczeniu to rzecz przygotowywana z myślą o Ukochanej Osobie. Takim prezentem może być nawet karteczka z zapiskiem: Dobrego dnia! Ten język testuje na co dzień, ponieważ jest to mój język miłości .:) Wartości prezentów nie przelicza się tu na pieniądze, ale na zaangażowanie.

WSKAZÓWKA: Szukaj niekonwencjonalnych rozwiązań: prezentem może być muszla znad morza, bukiet polnych kwiatów, ale także czekoladki, list miłosny. Niezwykle cieszą prezenty zrobione ręcznie. Dlaczego? Bo pokazują, że w całym procesie wykonywania ktoś o mnie myślał.

  1. Praktyczna pomoc – drobne przysługi, „wyręczanie”, pomaganie partnerowi w jego pracach: w zmywaniu naczyń, myciu samochodu, odkurzaniu, kąpaniu dzieci.

WSKAZÓWKA: Zastanów się jakie są zadania Twojej Ukochanej Osoby. Staraj się jej w nich pomagać np. co tydzień (ustal sobie konkretny czas). Codziennie z kolei bądź wyczulony na prośby o pomoc.

  1. Dotyk – tu nie chodzi tylko o seks, ale przede wszystkim o bliskość.

WSKAZÓWKA: Przytulaj! (szczególnie w czasie płaczu, smutku). Naucz się masażu. Trzymajcie się za ręce w drodze na zakupy, na spacerze. Wykorzystuj każdy moment do okazania czułego dotyku, muśnięcia po ramieniu itp.

JAKI JEST TWÓJ JĘZYK MIŁOŚCI?

Może już wiesz to po przeczytaniu rozróżnienia. Może jednak być tak, że wydaje Ci się, że pasują do Ciebie dwa języki miłości. Zestaw je wówczas ze sobą i, po kolei jeden w parze, zastosuj negatywnie. Dla przykładu:

Wydaje mi się, że moje języki miłości to praktyczna pomoc i pochwały. Czy będę się czuć kochaną, kiedy mój mąż przestanie mi pomagać, ale będzie mnie chwalił i prawił komplementy? Czy będę czuć się kochaną, kiedy mój mąż będzie mi pomagał, ale nie będzie mnie chwalił? Zastanów się co jest ważniejsze dla Ciebie.

Inny sposób to zaobserwowanie w jaki sposób Ty okazujesz miłość: dajesz prezenty, robisz podarki, chwalisz, pomagasz, dajesz swój czas, przytulasz?

Jaki jest zatem Twój język miłości?

Marlena Bessman-Paliwoda
marlena.bessman@gmail.com

Jeśli podoba Ci się tekst, podziel się nim ze znajomymi. Dla mnie to jak zapłata za moją pracę :) Dziękuję!

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    Bardzo interesujący tekst, wyczuwalny w praktyce i codziennym doświadczeniu.

  • the Cieniu
    Posted at 14:05h, 24 maja

    Kiedyś zrobiliśmy z Mężem taki test, który miał pokazywać jaki jest nasz główny język miłości i wyszło na to, że mamy bardzo fajnie, bo to samo – wspólne spędzanie czasu. i rzeczywiście, to działa 🙂

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    Tylko zazdrościć (oczywiście tak zdrowo). Świadomość i znajomość jeżyka miłości, nawet odmiennego to połowa sukcesu 🙂
    Dziękuję za odwiedziny 🙂

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