Mąż nie jest Twoim lustrem - wywiad z Dorotą Siwek - MamySie.pl
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Mąż nie jest Twoim lustrem – wywiad z Dorotą Siwek

Wywiadem z Dorotą otwieram cykl wywiadów małżeńskich. Jestem przekonana, że każde małżeństwo ma jakąś perłę, którą może pokazać innym. Tym samym zmotywować, wesprzeć, zachęcić czy nawet pouczyć przez doświadczenie. Wywiady małżeńskie, jakie będę tu przedstawiać będą opierały się na kilku filarach: rozwój w małżeństwie, małżeństwo a rodzicielstwo, małżeństwo w stosunku do pracy zawodowej, małżeństwo w kryzysie i codzienność małżeńska. 

Do pierwszego wywiadu zaprosiłam Dorotę Siwek – aktywną i wspierającą uczestniczkę grupy „Małżeństwo – mamy się dobrze” (klik do zapisu). Dorota zwróciła moją uwagę znacznie wcześniej przez swoje wartościowe komentarze i chęć dzielenia się swoją wiedzą i pomysłowością z innymi. Często zaskakiwała mnie tym, że potrafiła wyrazić to, co gdzieś mi po głowie chodziło. Kobieta, żona, mama biorąca macierzyństwo na swoje barki jako wyzwanie, a nie ograniczenie, pracuje on-line. Zaskakiwała i zaskoczyła mnie także tym razem. Zobaczcie sami.

Marlena: Doroto, jak długo jesteście już małżeństwem?

Dorota: Gdy ktoś pyta, jak długo jesteśmy razem, do głowy przychodzi mi myśl: „Stanowczo za długo”. Związek tworzymy od 9 lat. Zaręczyliśmy się po 5 latach znajomości na wysokości ponad 2000 m n.p.m. Narzeczeństwem byliśmy 1,5 roku. A słoneczno-tęczowym, czerwcowym popołudniem 2013 roku powiedzieliśmy sobie „Tak” na dziś i na zawsze. Między nami dekada różnicy w metryce i wiele pięknych przygód. Jesteśmy aktywnym małżeństwem. Za nami tysiące przejechanych kilometrów. Od 9 miesięcy towarzyszy nam wyczekiwana Łucja – dziecię-cud.

Marlena: Czy uważasz, że małżeństwo daje możliwość rozwoju żonie i mężowi? Czy małżeństwo czyni z nas lepszych ludzi?

Dorota: Małżeństwo jest dla mnie źródłem rozwoju. To przestrzeń dla spotkania dwojga ludzi o odmiennych poglądach, systemach wartości, charakterach i pomysłach na siebie. To miejsce, w którym nieustannie uczymy się bycia w relacji, odkrywając w sobie nieznane zasoby i zachowania wobec drugiego człowieka, ćwicząc pokorę, hartując charakter. Trudzimy się przecież w wyjątkowej sprawie – niesienia miłości, choć TU tej niedoskonałej, ale przeżywanej do głębi i dążącej do pełni.

Małżeństwo to miejsce, w którym nieustannie uczymy się bycia w relacji, odkrywając w sobie nieznane zasoby, zachowania wobec drugiego człowieka, ćwicząc pokorę oraz hartując charakter.

Jesteśmy zanurzeni w tej miłości, prawdziwi i autentyczni, i dzięki niej tak cudownie uszlachetnieni. To rodzaj podróży, w której nieustannie odkrywamy nowe smaki, wędrując w głąb kochanego serca. Sama relacja, w którą wchodzimy, wymaga nieustannych interakcji i prowadzi każdego z małżonków na drogę rozwoju; jest okazją do wnikliwego spojrzenia w głąb JA oraz na współmałżonka.

Czy czyni z nas lepszych ludzi? Moim zdaniem nie. Na pewno wzbogaca. Decydując się na związek z drugim człowiekiem, warto skupić się na sobie, swoich emocjach, wartościach, jakie są dla nas istotne w życiu. Nie warto kierować się oceną drugiego człowieka czy traktować go jak lustra, w którym przyglądasz się sobie, budując na tej podstawie obraz siebie. W lustrze jesteś Ty; nikt inny nie stworzy za Ciebie ani Twojego systemu wartości, ani zdrowej samooceny, ani satysfakcjonującej relacji. By czuć się dobrze z drugim człowiekiem trzeba najpierw akceptować siebie.

obrączki

Marlena: Jak rodzicielstwo wpływa na relację małżeńską? Jak wpłynęło w Waszym przypadku?

Dorota: Kiedy pojawia się dziecko, relacja małżeńska przechodzi na inny etap i często jest poddawana próbie. Małżonkowie wchodzą w nową rolę, która wiąże się z obawą przed nieznanym, lękiem przed sprostaniem obowiązkom, ale i z odpowiedzialnością. Dochodzą do tego również zmęczenie i stres. Nasza relacja po pojawieniu się wyczekiwanego dziecka przeżyła rozkwit; poczuliśmy pewnego rodzaju dopełnienie naszego małżeństwa, jednocześnie jednak powstał szereg pytań, na które nie zawsze udało nam się zgodnie znaleźć odpowiedź.

Marlena: W jaki sposób godzicie pracę, obowiązki domowe z pielęgnowaniem Waszej więzi? Co robicie, aby podtrzymywać Waszą miłość i nie poddać się rutynie?

Dorota: Pogodzenie tych wszystkich przestrzeni nie jest łatwe. Mój sposób to uważne życie. Bliska jest mi idea slow life, która mocno osadza mnie w tu i teraz, pozwalając się zatrzymać. W każdej z ról, jakie pełnimy, ważne jest, by być w nich w 100%, zamiast usiłować wydzielać czas na poszczególne obszary po równo, bo tak zwyczajnie się nie da. W pewnych momentach życie wymaga bycia bardziej żoną, w innych – skupienia się na macierzyństwie, a w jeszcze innych – ruszenia z kopyta pod względem zawodowym. Mam poczucie, że sposobem na godzenie wszystkich obszarów jest maksymalna koncentracja na zadaniu, które wykonujemy w danej chwili, czy relacji, w jaką wchodzimy. Kiedy przygotowuję posiłek, myślę o składnikach, o smaku. Kiedy jestem na spacerze z mężem, skupiam się na rozmowie, wspólnym czasie, uścisku dłoni. Z kolei podczas pracy nad projektem w pełni angażuję się w jego realizację. Wtedy odczuwam satysfakcję z tego, co robię.

By czuć się dobrze z drugim człowiekiem trzeba najpierw akceptować siebie.

Na rutynę mamy nasze rytuały, wspólnie ustalone; to ten moment w ciągu dnia, w którym jesteśmy tylko dla siebie. Mogą to być wspólne śniadania, spacery czy aktywność fizyczna. Mimo obowiązków możliwe jest wygospodarowanie godziny dziennie. Co więcej – wspólny czas daje zastrzyk energii na resztę dnia. Bardzo odbudowują nas również wspólne wyprawy i ich planowanie. Wystarczy odrobina kreatywności lub mały gest, który w gonitwie codziennego dnia bardzo cieszy.

Marlena: Jakie są Wasze sposoby na przeżywanie codzienności w sposób twórczy?

Dorota: Specjalizuję się w codziennych, prostych gestach, mikroprezentach. Nie chodzi o to, by w sposób szablonowy poszukiwać upominku od święta, na silę. Mamy 365 dni w roku, by wsłuchać się w potrzeby i pragnienia partnera. Ja skrupulatnie je wychwytuję i wielką radość sprawia mi pomoc w spełnianiu planów męża czy zachęcanie go ciepłym słowem do działania. A błysk w jego oku to moja największa radość. Kocham też pisać listy, karteczki na dobry dzień, albo pokazywać mężowi wykupiony bilet i mówić: „Pakuj się, czeka przygoda”.

zakochane małżeństwo

 Marlena: Serdecznie dziękuję za rozmowę!

Myślę, że Dorota bardzo słusznie zwraca uwagę na to, że nie można swoich ról dzielić po równo. Relacja małżeńska przebiega etapami. Zupełnie inna jest proporcja bycia razem na początku małżeństwa, w momencie pojawienia się małych dzieci, czasu, kiedy one rosną, a potem dorastają, opuszczając dom. Zawsze jednak trzeba dbać o to, aby być w swoim wzajemnym zasięgu. Jak o to dbać? Zarówno Dorota, jak i kolejne osoby będą o tym opowiadały.

Zdjęcia: Archiwum prywatne, © 1, 2 | Agnieszka Małek, 3 | Dorota Siwek.

Marlena Bessman-Paliwoda
marlena.bessman@gmail.com

Jeśli podoba Ci się tekst, podziel się nim ze znajomymi. Dla mnie to jak zapłata za moją pracę :) Dziękuję!

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262 komentarze
  • Agnieszka Siołek-Cichocka
    Posted at 16:32h, 14 lutego

    Super wywiad i świetny cykl. Czekam na dalsze inspirująco-małżeńskie historie 😉 Pozdrawiam.

  • Monika Myszka-Wieczerzak
    Posted at 12:14h, 17 lutego

    Mnie też się bardzo podoba! Opowieść Doroty o slow life w praktyce – trafiła do mnie najbardziej. Biorę jako perełkę dla siebie na dziś 🙂

  • Ania z Zielonego Wzgórza
    Posted at 13:55h, 22 lutego

    Mogę całą sobą wykrzyczeć, że małżeństwo uczyniło ze mnie lepszego człowieka. I paradoksalnie nie przyczyniły się do tego najlepsze chwile w naszym wspólnym życiu, a te które o włos nas nie rozdarły psychicznie na strzępy. Prawdziwa miłość odkrywa w człowieku pokłady ogromnej siły. Mogę śmiało przyznać, że z Panny Anny bujającej w obłokach stałam się prawdziwą siłaczką. I absolutnie zgadzam się z myślą przewodnią, małżonek nie jest lustrem, on podaje lustro i trzyma za rękę, kiedy nasze oblicze wydaje się być dla nas samych odrażające.

  • Marlena
    Posted at 11:00h, 28 stycznia

    Witaj Marleno z tej strony też Marlena.

    A ja z moją wiedzą kompletnie się z tym nie zgadzam,a to dlatego, że w tym małżeństwie jest ewidentna zamiana ról.
    Ona jest męska ,a on żeński.
    Ona buja w obłokach co czuć na kilometr ( czuję ludzi nawet przez internet ) i widać w wypowiedzi, bo kobieta jest przywiązana do Ziemi ,a on pochodzi z tzw. Nieba.
    Ona jest ciałem -matką( archetyp ) a on duchem-ojcem-słońcem-umysłem ( też archetyp).
    Już na początku mówi, że za długo jest w tym związku, tak za długo jest męska i ma tego ( podświadomie dość ).
    I również uważam , że on/ona – mąż /żona właśnie jest naszym największym lustrem.
    I wiem też , że trudno to przyjąć, bo ego bardzo się broni żeby nie utracić własnej pozycji.
    Dużo by pisać, aby wyłożyć całą wiedzę………..

    Pozdrawiam i życzę udanego życia na drodze do własnego zbawienia i przebudzenia się na PRAWDĘ SERCA Marlena 🙂

  • Dorota Siwek
    Posted at 15:14h, 23 czerwca

    Pani Marleno,
    dziękuję za podzielenie się swoim puntem widzenia. Ja podzieliłam się swoim. Jestem chłopczycą z charakteru, fakt, ale nie bujam w obłokach, dla mnie liczy się fakt. Budowanie drugiej relacji i poznawanie człowieka z mojej perspektywy nie bierze się z jednego tekstu w sieci, więc wydaje mi się, że czuć człowieka można po głębszej relacji z nim. Jeśli chodzi o lustro, to w dalszym ciągu nie zgadzam się. Faktycznie w tej relacji najdłużej jesteśmy i najwięcej wychodzi w niej naszych odcieni, ale chodziło mi bardziej o to, żeby nie zapominać o sobie, własnych potrzebach i patrzeniu na siebie ze swojej własnej perspektywy, a nie męża/żony. Co do ról, to myślę, że współczesny świat już dość sporo w nich namieszał, więc nie ma już czystej roli żony i męża i jestem za tym, by się tymi rolami zamieniać, skoro tak dużo kobietom przypada teraz w sferze zawodowej i rozwojowej. Ważne, by finalnie mieć przed oczyma w tym działaniu swoją kobiecość i męskość.
    Pozdrawiam ciepło Dorota

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