
Jak zachęcić męża do bycia twórczym tatą?
Mężczyzna ojcem się nie rodzi. On się nim staje. Może tej roli na pierwszy rzut oka nie widać, ale w tym „stawaniu się tatą”, ty jako żona masz wielki wpływ. I tu zagadka: co możesz zrobić, aby mąż był po prostu fajnym tatą?
Gdzie nie czytam o ojcostwie, tam głównie dowiaduję się o kryzysie ojcostwa i męskości. Tylko, że ja nigdy wcześniej nie widziałam tylu świadomych tatów (?), jak teraz. Sama doświadczam w życiu rodzinnym tego, że bycie tatą może być dla mężczyzny karierą, radością i dobrą zabawą, nie zaś obowiązkiem i przerywnikiem między połowami meczu.
Jako mamie zależy mi na tym, aby moje maluchy miały szczęśliwy dom. Cała masa rzeczy pod tym hasłem się kryje, jednak coraz częściej uświadamiam sobie, że obecność taty jest dla dziecka (ba! mamy i żony też!) konieczna. Chociaż sama doświadczyłam nieobecności tego pojęcia i zastępstwa, to jednak dziś wiem, jak bycie fajnym tatą wygląda. Zbliża się Dzień Ojca i zaczęłam zastanawiać się na ile ja, jako żona i mama mam wpływ na ojcostwo jako pojęcie i rzeczywistość. Drogie Panie! My-mamy-MOC-w-tym-temacie! Czas ją tylko wykorzystać!
Mój Luby jest na ten czas jest tatą dwóch synów. Doskonale pamiętam początki i gdybanie: „jakim-tatą-będę?” i „jakim-tatą-chcę-być?”. Jako dziewczynę, która ojcostwo w swoim życiu musiała przepracować, to te zdania bardzo mnie poruszały.
Jak wspierać ojcostwo męża?
1 | Dobre słowo, docenienie
Nie znam człowieka, który nie lubi jak się docenia jego działania, a może…? Nie, nie. Nie znam i już! Dla mężczyzny jest to szczególnie ważne. Badania pokazują, że docenianie to jeden z większych motywatorów. Zgodne to jest ze zdrowym rozsądkiem i praktyką życia, prawda? Dlatego doceniaj, doceniaj i…doceniaj. I teraz może myślisz: taaa, ale za co? Na początku może być trudno i szukać trzeba będzie jakby na siłę (pytanie czy zauważasz wszystko, co można doceniać), ale z czasem nie nadążysz chwalić. 🙂 Zacznij, a zobaczysz, że to działa!
2 | Inspiruj, podpowiadaj
…ale w nienachalny sposób. W czasie rekolekcji online, które prowadziłam z Agnieszką Banaszek, napisało do mnie kilka kobiet, że ich mężowie nie czytają rozważań, a one by chciały…i już podrukowały, i stoją nad tymi biednymi facetami, a oni mówią NIE.
– Marlena, co robić?
Odpisywałam jedno: Wydrukuj, rzuć w kąt i mruknij, że coś tam czytałaś, coś tam jest do poczytania, jeśli chcesz…ale nie musisz [i tyle!]. Tak bez ładu i składu, ale tak mu powiedz.
Tydzień później odpisywały, że działa! Jeden mąż to nawet pierwszy czytał niż żona, bo się wciągnął, część z kolei czytała razem.
Władczy ton nic nie da. Mężczyzna chce czuć, że nie jest przymuszany. Do tematu jednak! Inspiruj męża, opowiadając historie, które zasłychnęłaś, a są warte przekazania mu. Przy pisaniu tego tekstu odnalazłam na nowo historię z gazety codziennej, opisaną w formie wiersza przez Ruth Calkin:
W ostatnim tygodniu
Czytałam w gazecie o chłopcu
Trzynastolatku
Uratował życie swojego brata
Zawiózł go to szpitala
Samochodem ojca
Chociaż
Nie umiał prowadzić
Wytłumaczył się
„To nic takiego. Zrobiłem tylko to, co robi mój tata”
To „zrobiłem tylko to, co robi mój tata” mnie poruszyło. Patrzenie na zachowania ludzi przez pryzmat tego zdania pokazuję wagę tematu.
3 | Daj konkret
Podaruj bon na warsztaty lub inspirujące spotkanie. Mnie urzekły warsztaty Fundacji Filome (Warsztat św. Józefa), gdzie tata z synem (lub dziadek z wnukiem) mają przestrzeń do pracy z narzędziami. Czego mężczyznom trzeba więcej? Czas dla siebie, rozwijanie relacji plus konkretny produkt (np. ławka) na koniec. Inną opcją są warsztaty fundacji Wychowanie w Dialogu (w sierpniu odbędą się warsztaty Wakacje w Dialogu dla całej rodziny). Może warto pomyśleć o wypoczynku połączonym z rodzinnym rozwojem?
4 | Napisz list „dziękuję i doceniam”
Dla mnie co napisane, to lepiej działające. [Mężu! jeśli to czytasz, przejdź do wątku niżej, a to pomiń]. Na tegoroczny Dzień Ojca wymyśliłam, aby poza laurkami, które z maluchami zrobimy dla taty, dorzucić coś od siebie. Napiszę list, w którym podziękuję i docenię męża za to, jakim jest tatą. Pomyślałam, że w sumie on może nie wiedzieć, że uważam go za świetnego ojca. Za często dobre myśli kumulujemy w [tylko] głowie. Trzeba je wysyłać i mówić światu!
5| Mów otwarcie o potrzebie uczestniczenia w życiu dzieci
Czyli tzw. kawa na ławę. Badania pokazują, że ojcowie są bardziej gotowi do zaangażowania w wychowanie dzieci, jeśli wiedzą, że może to mieć istotne znaczenie w ich życiu. Prosto i konkretnie trzeba powiedzieć: Jesteś potrzebny i ważny.
6 | Chwal przy dzieciach
Mów dobrze o mężu przy dzieciach. Buduje to atmosferę przyjaźni w domu, ale także pośrednio pokazuje mężowi dobrą drogę. To tak jakbyś mówiła: To, co robisz jest dobre.
7 | Podrzuć wartościową książkę
Po narodzinach naszego Pierworodnego pierwszym prezentem dla męża była książka o ojcostwie „Siedem sekretów efektywnych ojców” Kena Canfielda. Właśnie zerknęłam do dedykacji…Napisałam w niej: „Mój Kochany! Jesteś pretendentem do tytułu „Taty Wspaniałego”. Już teraz to widzę, a nawet widziałam wcześniej. Niech ta książka pomoże Ci w zobaczeniu tego, co ważne, a trudne do ujrzenia. Razem przejdziemy wszystko – kolki, pierwsze miłości naszych pociech, a potem ich „wyjście z domu”. Razem. Twoja Żona i Mama Twoich Dzieci”. Dziś widzę, że nadanie tytułu przed wydarzeniem zaprocentowało :).
Kiedy pisałam ten tekst Ania (Okiem Sary) zapytała w grupie, którą prowadzę o polecane książki o ojcostwie. Może potrzebujesz, więc dołączam listę tych, które padły w komentarzach:)
- „Warto być ojcem”, Jacek Pulikowski,
- „Dziki ojciec. Jak wykorzystać moc inicjacji w wychowaniu”, Szymon Grzelak, (e-book tutaj)
- „Mężowie i ojcowie”, Derek Prince,
- „Cień Ojca”, Jan Dobraczyński,
- „Jak być tatą”, Marek Warecki, Wojciech Warecki,
- „Mocni ojcowie, mocne córki”, Meg Meeker, (e-book tutaj)
- „Zadziwiający wpływ tatusia”, Josh Mc Dowell,
- „Listy od taty. O seksie i miłości”, Josh Mc Dowell,
- „Od urwisa do bohatera. Mądre wychowanie chłopca”, ks. Marek Dziewiecki
- Strona internetowa: Tato.net
8 | Włączcie sobie film
…oczywiście z historią ojcostwa w tle. Polecałam trzy filmy o ojcostwie, które chwytają za serce. Przytaczam tam cytat z jednego filmu:
Ojciec i syn rzucają piłką do kosza. Najpierw syn, któremu się nie udaje trafić, potem ojciec:
– Pewnie będziesz tak dobry jak ja. Czyli poniżej średniej. Przykro mi, ale to tak jest. Będziesz miał różne inne zdolności. Ale na to – spogląda na piłkę – trochę szkoda czasu.
– Jasne. – chłopiec odrzuca piłkę zrezygnowany.
– Hej! Nie daj sobie nigdy wmówić, że czegoś nie dasz rady. Nawet mnie. Jasne?
Wartościowy film jest więcej wart niż mówienie bez pokrycia.
9 | Pomysł bonusowy: Modlitwa za ojcostwo męża
Nie znam gotowej modlitwy, zresztą można spontanicznie, z serca powiedzieć kilka słów. Jako, że czytam obecnie „Moc uwielbienia” Merlina Carothersa to moja modlitwa brzmi: Uwielbiam Cię, Panie w ojcostwie mojego męża. W tym, jako ono wygląda i jak, z Twoją pomocą, może się rozwinąć.
Nie bój się, że swoją kobiecą wizją zniszczysz plan na właściwe, męskie ojcostwo. Twoja rola to aktywne wspieranie męża. Podejmij ją, a zobaczysz, że zyskają Wasze dzieci, ale i Wasze małżeństwo.
Uważasz, że kobieta może wpłynąć na ojcostwo męża? Może masz jeszcze inne pomysły na wspieranie ukochanego w byciu tatą?
Przeczytaj także: 3 filmy o ojcostwie | Najbardziej wzruszający ojcowie
Makulka
Posted at 08:22h, 22 czerwcaList na Dzień Ojca to jest to czego mi brakowało, dziękuję za podpowiedź. Świeżo upieczonym ojcom polecam ,,Tworzenie więzi dla ojców niemowląt” Kena Canfielda.
Anna
Posted at 10:53h, 22 czerwcaCieszę się, że zebrałaś zwłaszcza pozycje książkowe w jednym miejscu. Wklejam sobie do listy „Na zaniedługo” 🙂
Marlena Bessman - Paliwoda
Posted at 11:51h, 22 czerwcaDziękuję za polecenie!
Weny przy pisaniu listu życzę 😉
Marlena Bessman - Paliwoda
Posted at 11:51h, 22 czerwcaTo dzięki Tobie. 😉
Anna
Posted at 14:29h, 22 czerwcaOj tam. Ocalasz moje lenistwo. Dzięki Tobie mogłam kliknąć raz „ctrl+c” i „ctrl+v” – Tyś się naklikała więcej :)))
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